Monday Night torment

I watched the second half of last night's Monday Night Football game with special interest. After Sunday night's game I needed 24 points to win my epic fantasy football battle. In the middle of Monday I needed 26 points, as the Patriots D lost a turnover. Yeah, it sounds weird to write too. When I logged in to see the early game results (TiVo was recording Gossip Girl), I saw that the turnover had returned. I needed 24 points to win, and Brandon Marshall/Philip Rivers had to do it. I thought it could be done, but Monday nights are fickle.

Rivers scored an early touchdown, but Marshall earned me zero points in the first half. Rivers had 172 yards passing and a TD, so I was down 12. The rest of the half would be slightly tormenting.

Early in the half Rivers put together what looked like a good drive. They stalled out. The lead was down to 11. Marshall finally caught a couple of passes, cutting the lead to single digits. Rivers would make a great throw then seemingly would get sacked on the next play. In the fourth quarter he lost a fumble, which made the lead double digits again. Marshall caught a couple of passes but couldn't score. The fourth quarter started. I was getting nervous.

The Chargers stalled again. The Broncos were on one of those destined drives, when they made every third down conversation and knew what to do to counter the defense. I waited for Marshall. The game score was 27-23. I wanted the Broncos to score a touchdown because a) there was a chance that Marshall would catch it and b) the Broncos' stifling D would go into prevent mode with a two-score lead. That was my premise. Marshall didn't catch the TD pass. In fact, I didn't think there was a TD at all. Brandon Stokely caught a pass at the goal line. He got a foot past the line but the ball didn't cross the plane. The initial call was a TD, and announcers are good at letting you know what was called because it's harder to overturn a call. They didn't overturn the call. The Chargers got the ball back with about three minutes to go.

I was down by seven points. Rivers had to get a TD for me to win. There couldn't be a running TD and a two-point pass. He completed a couple of passes and got a fortunate pass-interference call. The ball was near the 30-yard line.
The Chargers have no offensive line. Rivers was under constant pressure. On one play he rolled right and Tomlinson took off. He was covered by a linebacker. Rivers just had to float the ball to the end zone and I was a winner. He jumped to throw even though there wasn't anyone near him. The ball ended up falling short. On the next play he was sacked. I was toast.

Now I have a 2-4 fantasy team that's good enough to be 4-2. In six weeks my team has given up the most points, including six-TD performances by Brees and Brady. I can't help but be a little bitter at the weekend's results. Missouri was disappointing, and the Titans were so bad that David Lynch didn't believe it. And the Broncos wouldn't let me get my garbage touchdown. Football sucks.

Anatomy of a headache

At 9:30 I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and left. I felt simultaneously dizzy, nauseated, and weak. My head was throbbing, although with a three-hour half life. I had suffered enough, and I just wanted to go home.

The drive home was a trial. I had the worst headache of my life. I couldn't even dwell on the horrific football match that I had just watched. Even for a moment I didn't think about how I needed 29 points to win my fantasy matchup and Matt Forte wasn't doing his fair share. I would have been further wounded to find out that he fumbled twice, twice!, at the goal line. Even Cedric Benson had the decency to salvage a poor performance with a touchdown. He's considerate that way.
I got home, dumped my things and immediately went to bed. I did not pass go. I laid in the darkness. The wife was nice enough to get me a hot towel. Two Ibuprofen battled as I eventually got under the covers and felt less like I was going to die.

How did I get the worst headache of my life? It was like a hangover, a concussion, and the worst, longest movie you've ever seen rolled into one.

I started my Sunday like usual. I got up early, pretended to be productive, and got my supplies ready for NFL Sunday at the Funk Bar and Grill. I arrived at noon. My original thought for lunch was to make onion burgers. Get burger, add onion. That's the secret recipe. Problem is, I didn't notice that instead of ground sirloin in the usual shapeless form, it was in pre-made patties. I'd have to use the onion-garlic mixture I'd sautéed earlier as a topping. I can improvise. I made them and opened my first beer.

There's always an unnatural hunger associated with football Sunday. Since Don and I are sometimes battling on the dorky gridiron, aka fantasy football, we get competitive about all things. We play Wii Bowling before the game. We have unspoken drinking contests, with one of us yelling out "that just happened" after finishing another bottle or glass. The same goes to food. I assumed that when I made four burgers, along with a solid pound of sweet potato fries, that we'd share equally. I had burger number one and half the fries. Don stayed at one. My victory was eating the second burger. That was nearly a pound of meat and probably 3/4 of the fries. I washed all this down with a high-gravity pumpkin ale. I will not mention the brand as it was rubbish. When I have pumpkin anything I want to taste pumpkin. I know, call me crazy. This beer's dominant flavor was of spice. Put my spice on the side, like salad dressing.

I was still stuffed as I watched a so-called football game between the thrown-back Patriots and Titans. It was the football version of the Bataan Death March. I apologize for anyone reading this who knows anyone who went through the march. I know it's not a real comparison. It was like a video game where you know exactly what the computer team's going to do. And every play you call is perfect and you keep scoring to see if you can break a personal record.

Let me not get too far off track. We were talking about the headache. I drink a lot of soda, lately diet soda, during the week. On the weekends I tend not to drink it, but on this weekend I had not stopped for a long time. On Saturday I was fine. On Sunday I felt the headache start in the morning. It grew as I watched the horror unfold on the screen. By the time dinner was served, I had forgotten about it because my wife had concocted a dessert called the pumpkin gooey cake.

I had a sudden hankering for pumpkin last week. My wife, kind soul that she is, decided to make a pumpkin gooey cake. I will not detail the dessert's perfect qualities. Let's just say that it's a very nice combination of cake and pie. I could eat a metric ton and die a happy man.

I actually kept it relatively sane before the dessert. Still, between the five beers, two burgers, basket o fries, chicken tenders, tomatoes, couscous (can't say no to that), and dessert, I was full. I was full like Rex Ryan was full of praise after the Jets were 3-0 and had just defeated the Patriots. See how well that worked out.

It was time for the last game. The slight annoyance of the headache turned into a nonstop barrage of pain. I tried to stay as still as possible, and that was very possible due to the football game going on. I was on hour eight of staring as a TV screen. I felt like if I as much as batted an eyelash that I would hurl.
How did I get to this point? Was it the lack of water? I had a couple of large glasses. Was it the food? I suppose 2,000 calories consumed in half a day would be considered excessive. Was it the horrible performance by the team that used to reside in Houston? I was numb to that pain.

It was a lot of little things that led up to the headache. The same could be said for the team formerly known as the Titans. My friend named them the Miniatures and I concur.

I woke up this morning with a slight headache hangover but not too bad overall. Had I learned my lesson? What lesson? Bring on the bye week!

Mizzou-blah

Can we admit that Gary Pinkel isn't that great of a coach? Maybe I'm a nutjob, but I don't see any adjustments from this team. Last week they played in a driving rainstorm yet stuck with the spread offense. Gabbert wasn't able to complete anything downfield and the offense stalled. Last night Gabbert was game, playing through a very gimpy right ankle, but he was obviously not a running threat.
One of the greatest football sins is missing opportunities. Missouri struggled in the second half yet had the ball inside OSU's 20 twice in the final five minutes. They couldn't score. Late in the first half with a tie score, Gabbert hit Wes Kemp downfield for a sure TD. Drop. Gabbert was extraordinarily accurate most of the night, although he did throw the ball a bit high. One throw right into Jerrill Jackson's hands ended up being tipped for a pick six. Missouri trailed, and like last week, they folded.

I'll give the defense credit. The offense was great in the first half but stalled in the third quarter. The defense held OSU to field goals all half. Even when there was a fumble after a kick return following the second field goal of the night, the defense stiffened. But the offense petered out.

Here's a moment when you know your team isn't going to get any of the good bounces. The score was 27-17 and OSU was going for a long field goal. Note that the kicker was 3-6 going into the game. He misses the kick, but OSU is flagged for delay of game. With the kick now beyond 50 yards, he nails it.

Why when it's fourth and one does Missouri never get into the I formation and run it down the other team's throat? I know Gabbert has a bad ankle but he could easily have moved the sticks on a couple of short-yard situations. Missouri's run game is like Chris Johnson. Lots of no gains or one-yard gains and the occasional 15-yard scamper.

Listen, Oklahoma State is good but they're no world-beater. They lost to a Houston team that subsequently gave up 58 to UTEP. I'm just sayin'. And looking at the Nebraska and Kansas results, the Big 12 North is up for grabs. Nebraska needed a late touchdown to score one touchdown against Texas Tech, not the beacon of defense, and Kansas lost to a Colorado team that was spanked by Toledo.

It's all leading up to the inevitable 8-4 finish. 4-4 in the Big 12, with five games against the Big 12 North, is not an elite program. We're Cal, a program that promises much but delivers little.

I could be a little more bitter than usual due to the fact that I don't have a team to follow this year. The Titans are toast, although I see them being a bit frisky today. Missouri probably needs a year in the Champs Sports Bowl to match up with a second-tier program that they can beat. Perhaps I can go back to my late 80s University of Miami love, since they look like they're back.

The only team without a win in the Big 12 North is Missouri. Mizzou-blah.

Deadline pressure

The NFL trade deadline is next week, and generally speaking there are few if any trades. It just never seems to work out. It’s rare when a team has one glaring need that they have to fill. My dynasty team had such a need.

Like many fantasy owners, I was not thrilled at the prospect of having Jake Delhomme for another year. He was horrible in the playoffs and I thought that he was done even as a bye week fill-in to Tony Romo, my starter. I needed a new backup. I bid a ton of auction money for Luke McCown, who was the starter in Tampa Bay at the time. That move turned out to not be so good as the Bucs signed Byron Leftwich and drafted Josh Freeman. I got Freeman in our rookie draft and traded Delhomme for Leftwich. The trade looked not great at the time but when Leftwich won the starting job I felt vindicated. There was one guy left in the mix who I didn’t have. Josh Johnson.

Even though Johnson has a ton of ability, the new Bucs coaching staff seemed to consider him an afterthought. I saw him in the end of the Titans preseason game, and he had a 40-yard TD run. Not many NFL QBs can even run 40 yards. I offered Troy Smith for him. The offered was ignored.

I made a couple of tepid trade offers for quarterbacks but got no love. Dallas’s bye week came up and I was in a tough spot. I e-mailed the Johnson owner. I made offers for Jay Cutler and Matt Cassel. Nothing happened. Finally last night the Johnson owner replied. The initial offer was Troy Smith and a third round rookie pick. He wasn’t interested in Smith. He wanted a linebacker. When it comes to IDP, I think that any time you can trade defense for offense, you usually come out ahead. I offered Barrett Ruud, who was my LB3. He took the deal. I traded a middle linebacker who may have six years left in his career for a QB who will start this weekend but probably will lose his job to Freeman next year, if not later this year. That’s what happens when you trade at the last minute.

Fantasy woo hoo

I'm having perhaps my best fantasy year ever. In the AUFL I have been a playoff nonentity for four straight years. This might be the end of that streak. I realized that the key to my suckiness was drafting bad quarterbacks. Even though I had Philip Rivers, who was the top fantasy QB last year, I drafted McNabb early. That paid off as McNabb scored 31 points on Rivers' bye week. Now the only potential issue is me starting the wrong guy. After my team gave up the most points in the league three out of four weeks in a 1-3 start, I led the league in scoring last week and beat Walt, the best team, 114-82. All week I looked for a guy to replace Cedric Benson in my starting lineup. I sighed, started him, and watched him tear up the Ravens and get 21 points. Andre Johnson, mostly dormant save his "bye week" against the Titans, scored two touchdowns. Ditto on Brandon Marshall, my second-round pick who's looking like an every-week start. My TE, kicker, and defense is nothing special. A gutsy move would be trading McNabb for a top TE and defense and letting Josh Johnson slide in as backup QB. Even with the great week I'm still 2-3. I could lose next week and be back in my usual non-playoff standing.

I needed a couple of years to hit my stride in Zealots 17. Now I can't do anything wrong. I'm 5-0 and the team averages almost 190 a game. I've scored 130 points more than the second place team. The Colts trio leads me in offense. Reggie Wayne, Peyton Manning, and Dallas Clark are 2nd, 1st, and 1st in scoring by position. I also have Matt Schaub, the 2nd-highest scoring quarterback. He'll be my bye-week guy. My running backs have been serviceable. My top DE, Jared Allen, has 20 more points than the second-highest scoring DE. My fifth-round rookie draft pick Louis Delmas is number three in CB/S scoring. In short, I'm rolling the league across the board. It's the lack of league smack talk that makes me feel like it's a bit of an empty accomplishment.

I did not expect to be a contender in Zealots 34. It's a very competitive league and I felt pretty uncompetitive in a few positions. My team is 4-1. Tony Romo has been good most weeks. I don't have a bye week QB, though. Ray Rice, my first round pick last year, has come through. Marion Barber's decent. I have put together a patchwork group of wideouts and they've kept me treading water at least. I probably should trade for a good one this offseason. I'm leaning primarily on two kick returners. My linebackers are fine although I could use a second defensive end worth a crap. I'm getting a little lucky but I think I can be a playoff team again. I don't think I'm a champion in this league.

And then we have the Zealot Masters league. Until this week I had been the lowest scoring 4-0 team. This week I'm the lowest scoring 4-1 team. There are only two 4-1 teams. I've hitched my wagon to the Tom Brady/Randy Moss tandem and so far that hasn't been great. The rosters are smaller so you can get decent free agents. My WR quartet of Hines Ward, Moss, Brandon Marshall and Nate Burleson have kept me afloat. I'm not paying as much attention to the league. It's not fun since I don't know the other owners. There could be smack talk going on but I'm not aware of it.