Best of the RB2s

I am disgusted, appalled, and embarrassed by Missouri's performance yesterday. They lost to Baylor at home. They gave up 40 points to Baylor, a team that had scored a maximum of 10 points in any conference game. The North Division was up for grabs, so much so that last year's 6-6 Vanderbilt squad would have taken it with ease. Missouri could finish 5-7. It's possible. And if it does, Pinkel is a fraud. He's a fraud who could put on a Burger King crown, declare "I'm the Lizard King!" and the school would give him an extension and a raise. Is he the best coach in team history? I'm going to poke out my eyes now.

I have a major decision of great importance to make. It will determine my level of happiness for an entire week. If I do this correctly, I will be a contented man and nothing will be able to deter me. If I fail, I will be in a pit of despair so deep that even Vince Young won't be able to rescue me.

I have to decide on a starting running back. The candidates: Matt Forte, Kevin Smith, Cedric Benson, Jonathan Stewart. I feel like I have four number two running backs, but two could perform like number ones.

Forte's numbers are down across the board so far this year. He's on pace for fewer than 1000 yards. He's averaging 3.5 yards a carry, or about half of what Chris Johnson's doing. In seven games he has four sub-ten point games. In three games he's failed to rush for 30 yards. Last week he crushed a demoralized Browns team. He still didn't average four yards a carry. I would not be confident about this week's start. The only aspect of his game that's good is that he catches a lot of passes. Even that's not consistent. He has more than two catches in four out of seven games. That's a coin toss. Last year you could depend on ten points from Forte. This year it's not the case. The Cardinals are generally not a good rushing matchup.

At halftime of last week's game, Kevin Smith had almost 100 total yards. He was on pace to have his game of the year. Then a mysterious shoulder injury occurred, and Maurice Morris had 66 second-half yards. Smith is supposedly OK, but so far this year he has not performed well. The Lions suck and often have to pass in the second half of games. Smith should catch some of these passes. If you thought that Forte's yards per carry was bad, Smith's is worse. He averages 3.1 yards per carry. His receptions are lower as well, with only three 40+ yard efforts. One constant is that he has at least 15 carries per game. Sadly that projects to about 50 yards. He did score a safety last week. I didn't get credit. He's playing the Seahawks, a team that has given up lots of yards this year.

Jonathan Stewart has almost as many yards as the first two guys, albeit in much fewer carries. His first three games were horrible, with 23 carries for 99 yards and no touchdowns. Since then he's scored four touchdowns in four weeks. He's scored 10, 18, 3, and 21 points in those weeks. If you're shooting for a longshot, he's the player to start. The Panthers play the Saints, which projects to be a blowout. The Saints have given up more than 130 rushing yards in three of their last four, including 161 to the Falcons on the Monday night. Oh, if the Panthers could throw. At ten carries a game, I don't know if I can take the chance.

The last guy is Cedric Benson. A few weeks ago he matched up with the Ravens. All the "experts" told me to bench Benson. The Ravens were monsters on the football field, incapable of giving up positive yards to a running back. I did not believe them. Or I forgot to change my lineup. Either way, he scored 21 points in that game. He has a season low of nine, and has 20+ points in two of the past three games. I could see him getting shut down, although the last time he was shut down he still scored a TD and salvaged the week. He's a starter.

I'm benching Smith since he plays for the Lions, who hide their injuries so much that Belichick is impressed. Forte needs 20 touches to be a fantasy starter. He's made that number four out of seven weeks.

I think Stewart's the guy. I could get crushed but I'm swinging for the fences.
Next starter dilemma: Peyton Manning or Jake Delhomme? Tune in.

Perfectionist, meet fantasy football

For the hopeless perfectionist, there is a chance to realize your life-long dreams of being the best. It is in the world of fantasy football.

Even when the Patriots shut out the Titans and clearly looked like one of the best teams in the NFL, there was no way for Belichick to know for sure that he was the best. He could correctly surmise that other teams might have tried to stop the Patriot attack. What if there was an objective way to know which team, on a week-to-week basis was the best?

Enter fantasy football. Most leagues go with head to head scoring. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the league does. If you outscore your opponent, you win. Every once a while you play the what-if game with other teams, especially upcoming opponents.

The ultimate feeling is getting the high score for the league. If you outscore every team in the league, you know that you are the best. It doesn’t matter who you played. You would have defeated the Patriots, the Browns, and even the Saints.
In my local keeper league, I did just that last week. Due to the second consecutive six-team bye week, scores were lower across the board. Thanks to some garbage-time passes to Zach Miller, I exceeded 100 points for the second straight week. No one could defeat my total. I was champion. It’s a good feeling.

Yeah, I know, being the top scorer in week 8 pales in comparison to leading in week 16, aka championship week. Give me a break. I just met my 2008 victory total by moving up to 4-4 this week. I have a winning streak, which hasn’t happened since 2007. If Matt Forte could just play the Browns or Lions every week. . . yep, the team’s not perfect.

After last week’s 1-3 overall fantasy result, my teams rebounded to go 3-1. All of my teams are at or above .500. My cumulative record is 21-11. I might make the playoffs in all four leagues. It’s not perfection, but it will do.

They what?

It's hard to be surprised in today's world. Even in today's NFL there are weekly upsets and performances that no one can reconcile. It's the nature of the game, or at least the funny-shaped ball that never quite bounces the way you'd want to.

When the Titans were 0-6, the sky had literally fallen in Nashville. A once-proud franchise was in ruins. The head coach had lost his team. The retread offensive coordinator wasn't scoring points. The first-time defensive coordinator couldn't adjust. A quarterback who was the consummate leader last year started to crack.
The goal-line running back was less effective when the team never got to the goal line. When the chips were down, the receivers couldn't catch, and the offensive line wasn't blocking. The defensive line couldn't get pressure, the linebackers weren't consistently tackling and the secondary couldn't cover your grandma.

That ended yesterday, at least in the eyes of some fans. The sad thing, as I've learned from a few years of fantasy football futility, is that a win's a win and next week you have to prove yourself all over again. The team's still 1-6.

OK, screw that glass-is-half-full-but-with-a-bug-in-it claptrap. We won. In every game so far either the coach made a bad call or we had a bad turnover at the wrong time or the entire team decided not to try at the same time. This week, the Titans got the luck and made their luck. The game plan for Vince Young at QB was brilliant. Throw short, and if that doesn't work, run. Run even if you're not going to get the first down. A punt is not the worst thing. That offensive philosophy is Fisher-ball, but it doesn't work if the defense is lacking. Yesterday, other than a couple of serious breakdowns, it wasn't.

Would Jeff Fisher have started Vince Young if Bud Adams hadn't openly called for it in the press? I don't know. It was hard for Fisher to bench Collins because he signed Kerry to the extension with the promise that he'd start. That promise caused to further sour the relationship with Vince. But even if Kerry Collins is a better QB in the NFL and gives the team a chance to win that Vince doesn't always offer, the difference in talent isn't that stark. If Vince Young had not been injured in last year's opener, there's no way that he gets benched. Would the Titans have been a 13-3 team? It's hard to say. Any piece missing from that formula probably means that the season doesn't work the way it does.

2008 seemed back yesterday, despite the QB difference. When MJD had his second monster run to tie the score at 13-13, the team responded. Last year they always responded. They blocked the extra point and then the offense drove down the field to take the lead. That's what good teams do. That's what this year's team has not done yet.

People talk as if this team will run off a string of wins. I'm not so sure. The trip to San Francisco is going to be tough, and not just because the bridge is out. It's no longer an insurmountable obstacle. Vince is going to make some bad plays. Yesterday he had a couple of bad throws but played within himself. That's a tough thing for the former All-American to do. He could play well enough to justify the rest of his rookie contract.

No matter what, the team's going to need a QB heading into 2010. Either Vince is the starter or Kerry is the starter, and the other guy is gone. John David Booty isn't the backup QB of the future. If the Bucs are willing to let go of Josh Johnson, I'd love to have him.

I've gone this far without mentioning the main reason why the Titans put the game away. Chris Johnson set a franchise record with 228 rushing yards. I thought it was a Titan record, not a Titan/Oiler record. Nope. He surpassed Eddie George, Earl Campbell, and Billy Cannon. Johnson now has five 50+-yard touchdowns. He tried to single-handedly win the Texans game but the defense couldn't make one play and the offense kept waiting for him to make another play on his own. The 89-yard run that clinched the game was a classic. He didn't just outrun guys. He made a few moves, ran over a safety, and took off. His end-zone dive was a sign of exhaustion, not a showboating maneuver. The funny thing is he should have had three 50-yard touchdowns but he ran out of bounds on one of them.

Do you think the Titans will try to get him the ball more than 20 times a game now? The team had 300 yards rushing, which excuses Vince's 125-yard performance. Usually you're looking at a 10-22 passing day when Vince does that. He went 15-18 and made a few plays that no other QB in the league can make. That's good. Now do it again.

Should a 19-point road win be enough?

I need to be less critical. I gave Gary Pinkel all kinds of crap as Missouri’s offense looked sluggish in their 36-17 victory over Colorado. It was a more interesting game than the score indicated. Missouri led 33-0 after what I thought was a Belichickian move, a fake field goal with a 26-point lead. The Tigers were dominating on both sides of the ball and Colorado was clearly the inferior opponent. As the Buffs drove down the field, Missouri got a sack and they kicked a long field goal to cut the lead to 33-3. I noted on Twitter that the crowd’s cheering must have been sarcastic.

To open the second half, Colorado drove down the field and made the score 33-10. I’m at a three on the ten-point panic scale. Missouri just needs to score a TD and finish it. Gabbert had them driving but threw a pick six. The score was 33-17.
It was not a pretty half for Gabbert. The running game felt like Chris Johnson of the Titans. Either they’d get stuffed at the line or run for 10. The defense tightened and only Danario Alexander seems consistently worth a crap as a receiver. It was a defensive stop on fourth and less than one, a slow-developing play, that seemed to seal it. A field goal put the game out of reach.

I didn’t like the consistency of the offense. Earlier in the game on a fourth and goal from the one, Pinkel called the slow-developing run play from the shotgun. It was stuffed. Every run play seems to be slow developing and gets stuffed by a good defense. I’m not lying that Missouri could win their final five games and win the Big 12 North. They would be a worse team than the one that won the title the past two years, that those teams got stomped. Maybe the defense will mature. Alden Smith looks like a winner at DE. I’m not sure if that top-five DT they recruited this year is playing or not. Gabbert’s inconsistent and has thrown multiple interceptions in four straight games. I think he’ll get better as the year progresses and his ankle heals. Maybe this is a team for next year.

I should be happy for a 19-point win. Missouri finally won a Homecoming game. They traveled to OSU and lost, and hosted Texas for their own Homecoming (a curious decision). They are a good enough team to win their final four games. I’m not sure if they will, or if they should. Another title game loss might be more than my critical self can handle.

Monday Night torment

I watched the second half of last night's Monday Night Football game with special interest. After Sunday night's game I needed 24 points to win my epic fantasy football battle. In the middle of Monday I needed 26 points, as the Patriots D lost a turnover. Yeah, it sounds weird to write too. When I logged in to see the early game results (TiVo was recording Gossip Girl), I saw that the turnover had returned. I needed 24 points to win, and Brandon Marshall/Philip Rivers had to do it. I thought it could be done, but Monday nights are fickle.

Rivers scored an early touchdown, but Marshall earned me zero points in the first half. Rivers had 172 yards passing and a TD, so I was down 12. The rest of the half would be slightly tormenting.

Early in the half Rivers put together what looked like a good drive. They stalled out. The lead was down to 11. Marshall finally caught a couple of passes, cutting the lead to single digits. Rivers would make a great throw then seemingly would get sacked on the next play. In the fourth quarter he lost a fumble, which made the lead double digits again. Marshall caught a couple of passes but couldn't score. The fourth quarter started. I was getting nervous.

The Chargers stalled again. The Broncos were on one of those destined drives, when they made every third down conversation and knew what to do to counter the defense. I waited for Marshall. The game score was 27-23. I wanted the Broncos to score a touchdown because a) there was a chance that Marshall would catch it and b) the Broncos' stifling D would go into prevent mode with a two-score lead. That was my premise. Marshall didn't catch the TD pass. In fact, I didn't think there was a TD at all. Brandon Stokely caught a pass at the goal line. He got a foot past the line but the ball didn't cross the plane. The initial call was a TD, and announcers are good at letting you know what was called because it's harder to overturn a call. They didn't overturn the call. The Chargers got the ball back with about three minutes to go.

I was down by seven points. Rivers had to get a TD for me to win. There couldn't be a running TD and a two-point pass. He completed a couple of passes and got a fortunate pass-interference call. The ball was near the 30-yard line.
The Chargers have no offensive line. Rivers was under constant pressure. On one play he rolled right and Tomlinson took off. He was covered by a linebacker. Rivers just had to float the ball to the end zone and I was a winner. He jumped to throw even though there wasn't anyone near him. The ball ended up falling short. On the next play he was sacked. I was toast.

Now I have a 2-4 fantasy team that's good enough to be 4-2. In six weeks my team has given up the most points, including six-TD performances by Brees and Brady. I can't help but be a little bitter at the weekend's results. Missouri was disappointing, and the Titans were so bad that David Lynch didn't believe it. And the Broncos wouldn't let me get my garbage touchdown. Football sucks.

Anatomy of a headache

At 9:30 I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and left. I felt simultaneously dizzy, nauseated, and weak. My head was throbbing, although with a three-hour half life. I had suffered enough, and I just wanted to go home.

The drive home was a trial. I had the worst headache of my life. I couldn't even dwell on the horrific football match that I had just watched. Even for a moment I didn't think about how I needed 29 points to win my fantasy matchup and Matt Forte wasn't doing his fair share. I would have been further wounded to find out that he fumbled twice, twice!, at the goal line. Even Cedric Benson had the decency to salvage a poor performance with a touchdown. He's considerate that way.
I got home, dumped my things and immediately went to bed. I did not pass go. I laid in the darkness. The wife was nice enough to get me a hot towel. Two Ibuprofen battled as I eventually got under the covers and felt less like I was going to die.

How did I get the worst headache of my life? It was like a hangover, a concussion, and the worst, longest movie you've ever seen rolled into one.

I started my Sunday like usual. I got up early, pretended to be productive, and got my supplies ready for NFL Sunday at the Funk Bar and Grill. I arrived at noon. My original thought for lunch was to make onion burgers. Get burger, add onion. That's the secret recipe. Problem is, I didn't notice that instead of ground sirloin in the usual shapeless form, it was in pre-made patties. I'd have to use the onion-garlic mixture I'd sautéed earlier as a topping. I can improvise. I made them and opened my first beer.

There's always an unnatural hunger associated with football Sunday. Since Don and I are sometimes battling on the dorky gridiron, aka fantasy football, we get competitive about all things. We play Wii Bowling before the game. We have unspoken drinking contests, with one of us yelling out "that just happened" after finishing another bottle or glass. The same goes to food. I assumed that when I made four burgers, along with a solid pound of sweet potato fries, that we'd share equally. I had burger number one and half the fries. Don stayed at one. My victory was eating the second burger. That was nearly a pound of meat and probably 3/4 of the fries. I washed all this down with a high-gravity pumpkin ale. I will not mention the brand as it was rubbish. When I have pumpkin anything I want to taste pumpkin. I know, call me crazy. This beer's dominant flavor was of spice. Put my spice on the side, like salad dressing.

I was still stuffed as I watched a so-called football game between the thrown-back Patriots and Titans. It was the football version of the Bataan Death March. I apologize for anyone reading this who knows anyone who went through the march. I know it's not a real comparison. It was like a video game where you know exactly what the computer team's going to do. And every play you call is perfect and you keep scoring to see if you can break a personal record.

Let me not get too far off track. We were talking about the headache. I drink a lot of soda, lately diet soda, during the week. On the weekends I tend not to drink it, but on this weekend I had not stopped for a long time. On Saturday I was fine. On Sunday I felt the headache start in the morning. It grew as I watched the horror unfold on the screen. By the time dinner was served, I had forgotten about it because my wife had concocted a dessert called the pumpkin gooey cake.

I had a sudden hankering for pumpkin last week. My wife, kind soul that she is, decided to make a pumpkin gooey cake. I will not detail the dessert's perfect qualities. Let's just say that it's a very nice combination of cake and pie. I could eat a metric ton and die a happy man.

I actually kept it relatively sane before the dessert. Still, between the five beers, two burgers, basket o fries, chicken tenders, tomatoes, couscous (can't say no to that), and dessert, I was full. I was full like Rex Ryan was full of praise after the Jets were 3-0 and had just defeated the Patriots. See how well that worked out.

It was time for the last game. The slight annoyance of the headache turned into a nonstop barrage of pain. I tried to stay as still as possible, and that was very possible due to the football game going on. I was on hour eight of staring as a TV screen. I felt like if I as much as batted an eyelash that I would hurl.
How did I get to this point? Was it the lack of water? I had a couple of large glasses. Was it the food? I suppose 2,000 calories consumed in half a day would be considered excessive. Was it the horrible performance by the team that used to reside in Houston? I was numb to that pain.

It was a lot of little things that led up to the headache. The same could be said for the team formerly known as the Titans. My friend named them the Miniatures and I concur.

I woke up this morning with a slight headache hangover but not too bad overall. Had I learned my lesson? What lesson? Bring on the bye week!

Mizzou-blah

Can we admit that Gary Pinkel isn't that great of a coach? Maybe I'm a nutjob, but I don't see any adjustments from this team. Last week they played in a driving rainstorm yet stuck with the spread offense. Gabbert wasn't able to complete anything downfield and the offense stalled. Last night Gabbert was game, playing through a very gimpy right ankle, but he was obviously not a running threat.
One of the greatest football sins is missing opportunities. Missouri struggled in the second half yet had the ball inside OSU's 20 twice in the final five minutes. They couldn't score. Late in the first half with a tie score, Gabbert hit Wes Kemp downfield for a sure TD. Drop. Gabbert was extraordinarily accurate most of the night, although he did throw the ball a bit high. One throw right into Jerrill Jackson's hands ended up being tipped for a pick six. Missouri trailed, and like last week, they folded.

I'll give the defense credit. The offense was great in the first half but stalled in the third quarter. The defense held OSU to field goals all half. Even when there was a fumble after a kick return following the second field goal of the night, the defense stiffened. But the offense petered out.

Here's a moment when you know your team isn't going to get any of the good bounces. The score was 27-17 and OSU was going for a long field goal. Note that the kicker was 3-6 going into the game. He misses the kick, but OSU is flagged for delay of game. With the kick now beyond 50 yards, he nails it.

Why when it's fourth and one does Missouri never get into the I formation and run it down the other team's throat? I know Gabbert has a bad ankle but he could easily have moved the sticks on a couple of short-yard situations. Missouri's run game is like Chris Johnson. Lots of no gains or one-yard gains and the occasional 15-yard scamper.

Listen, Oklahoma State is good but they're no world-beater. They lost to a Houston team that subsequently gave up 58 to UTEP. I'm just sayin'. And looking at the Nebraska and Kansas results, the Big 12 North is up for grabs. Nebraska needed a late touchdown to score one touchdown against Texas Tech, not the beacon of defense, and Kansas lost to a Colorado team that was spanked by Toledo.

It's all leading up to the inevitable 8-4 finish. 4-4 in the Big 12, with five games against the Big 12 North, is not an elite program. We're Cal, a program that promises much but delivers little.

I could be a little more bitter than usual due to the fact that I don't have a team to follow this year. The Titans are toast, although I see them being a bit frisky today. Missouri probably needs a year in the Champs Sports Bowl to match up with a second-tier program that they can beat. Perhaps I can go back to my late 80s University of Miami love, since they look like they're back.

The only team without a win in the Big 12 North is Missouri. Mizzou-blah.